You may have noticed that I have been silent in the blogging world lately. Or maybe you didn’t. Either way, there is a reason for my absence. I have always tried to keep my blog positive. I don’t like blogging about my problems because frankly, I don’t like talking about my problems. They are, after all, my problems. There’s no use burdening others about the things that are burdening me. On top of that, or because of that maybe, I just haven’t had the motivation to blog about positive things when it’s been so hard to see the positive in my life.
But I can’t keep it inside anymore. So here it is… D and I have been trying to have a baby for a year and a half. Trying… and failing. There I said it. It’s been hard, to say the least. Especially in the last 10 months since we’ve lived here. I still don’t feel like I have many friends. In fact, for the most part, I’ve felt unwelcome in every social circle with whom I’ve had to interact. It’s difficult for me to want to go to church (especially when D is gone) because no one even acknowledges I’m there.
There have been some treasures, however. Friday was a treasure. I had lunch with one of the few friends I have here and we ended up talking for hours. We probably would have talked longer if I didn’t have to leave for work. It was such a relief being able to open up to her and tell her what I have been experiencing with my infertility. She experienced it too and she was able to give me some new perspectives. I left feeling happy. Happier than I’ve felt the whole time we’ve been here. And that’s when I realized that for my own sake, I needed to be open about this. I can’t just automatically assume that people will judge me for my infertility. If I do, I might miss out on a friend who could help me. And if there are people who are foolish enough to judge me for something I can’t control, who cares. I don’t want to be their friend anyway. They don’t deserve to be my friend. Infertility blows but I might as well be honest about it. It’ll help me to have people to lean on and who knows… maybe I’ll help someone else along the way.
So for now, life is hard but I’m hanging in there.