Thursday, April 12, 2012

Hanging in There


You may have noticed that I have been silent in the blogging world lately.  Or maybe you didn’t.  Either way, there is a reason for my absence.  I have always tried to keep my blog positive.  I don’t like blogging about my problems because frankly, I don’t like talking about my problems.  They are, after all, my problems.  There’s no use burdening others about the things that are burdening me.   On top of that, or because of that maybe, I just haven’t had the motivation to blog about positive things when it’s been so hard to see the positive in my life.

But I can’t keep it inside anymore.  So here it is… D and I have been trying to have a baby for a year and a half.  Trying… and failing.  There I said it.  It’s been hard, to say the least.  Especially in the last 10 months since we’ve lived here.  I still don’t feel like I have many friends.  In fact, for the most part, I’ve felt unwelcome in every social circle with whom I’ve had to interact.  It’s difficult for me to want to go to church (especially when D is gone) because no one even acknowledges I’m there.

There have been some treasures, however.  Friday was a treasure.  I had lunch with one of the few friends I have here and we ended up talking for hours.  We probably would have talked longer if I didn’t have to leave for work.  It was such a relief being able to open up to her and tell her what I have been experiencing with my infertility.  She experienced it too and she was able to give me some new perspectives.  I left feeling happy.  Happier than I’ve felt the whole time we’ve been here.  And that’s when I realized that for my own sake, I needed to be open about this.  I can’t just automatically assume that people will judge me for my infertility.  If I do, I might miss out on a friend who could help me.  And if there are people who are foolish enough to judge me for something I can’t control, who cares.  I don’t want to be their friend anyway.  They don’t deserve to be my friend.  Infertility blows but I might as well be honest about it.  It’ll help me to have people to lean on and who knows… maybe I’ll help someone else along the way.
 
So for now, life is hard but I’m hanging in there.

7 comments:

Shelley and Eric said...

So sorry to hear that Allison. I have to admit, I had my suspicions, but I'm glad you've decided to come out in the open with it. I think this is a huge fear of most married couples even before they start trying, whether they end up succeeding soon or not. I know I fear it, even though we haven't started trying yet, and think most people can relate in some way and at least imagine what you're are going through, if they don't really understand it. Keep hanging in there! Love you!

chambanachik said...

I'm sorry you're dealing with rough stuff right now. :( Praying for you!

beth said...

there are many people out there who feel that they are entitled to have opinions on when other people choose to have children. as a result, when we have issues with fertility, we sometimes feel that everyone is judging us for it, and it's easy to feel embarrassed. i appreciate your willingness to speak up about your feelings. it's a difficult subject to talk about, but you never know whose life you will be able to touch in a way this other woman has touched yours.

i know how you feel with struggling with making friends. i've had a hard time with this for several years now, and i still don't have a good solution. it's very difficult for me to make new friends in a new ward because i work full-time and have children. i don't have time for play dates, and because i have kids, i don't have time to do things with friends in the evenings. i very often feel that people at church only know who i am because i play the piano in relief society. the most important thing to remember is that there are people out there who do love you and care about you and are praying for you. it may take some time, but you'll build up a support system full of friends who love you!

Miriam said...

Allison,
Just know you're not the only one and that Heavenly Father loves you and knows your desires. I have never been one to have many friends either so I could imagine how you may be feeling. I hope it's okay if I put your blog on my blog list? You have mine right?
Let me know so I can send you an invite if not. miriambuhler@gmail.com

Sue said...

I completely understand not wanting to talk about your problems. At the same time, blogging is such an outlet for me and sometimes I have to write about the unhappy things. I'm one of those people that even when I'm writing about something terrible I always try and shed some good light on it. I think a lot of people must find my blog fake for that reason but truly that's how I am in real life. I don't see the point in focusing on the negative things in life. I love that in this post even though you wrote about something sad and difficult for you, you also found something good in it. I really hope that you and your husband find a way to conceive and make that dream a reality.

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry to hear this! I'll be praying that you're able to have a baby SOON!! God can do it!

Taylor said...

Thanks for being honest. I also hate going to check without Nate and understand how hard it is to make true friends that you can be really open with. Prayers for you and your husband.